The best buds you ever had no choice but to have.
By Josh Ruben & Ben Joseph
INT. BEDROOM - DAY YOU lay in bed and stare up at camera. NARRATOR (V.O.) This is you. It's YOU! The LOWER THIRD says so! NARRATOR (V.O.) This is your girlfriend. REVEAL: Your GIRLFRIEND is next to you. You both smile. NARRATOR (V.O.) And these are- TITLE CARD: YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S SIX FRIENDS TITLE CARD: THE POSSESSIVE ONE You pose for a picture with your girlfriend. NARRATOR (V.O.) Nobody loves your girlfriend more than you. CUT OUT TO REVEAL: MEGAN, smiling like a maniac and hugging your girlfriend around the waist. NARRATOR (V.O.) Almost. FLASH! CUT TO: The picture that was just taken. Megan CUTS YOU OUT and puts the rest in a "BFFS!" frame. INT. YOUR APARTMENT You're making out on the couch when your girlfriend's PHONE RINGS. She checks the caller ID. YOU Megan? Yep. You take the phone and put it aside but, when you look up, Megan is STANDING BEHIND YOUR GIRLFRIEND! GAH! She holds the "BFF" picture and flashes a "Fatal Attraction" smile. MEGAN You didn't answer your phone! NARRATOR She seems to have issues with boundaries. EXT. CLUB - NIGHT You and your girlfriend meet Megan outside a club. NARRATOR Except one, that is. Megan halts you with a "playful" slap to the face. MEGAN Sorry! GIRLS NIGHT! She drags your girlfriend inside, leaving you solo. Later, at BRUNCH, Megan talks shit in front of you. MEGAN Your boyfriend gets you all to himself! He's not even FUN! NARRATOR (V.O.) A man can only take so much. YOU YOU'RE A CRAZY FRIENDSHIP PIRATE! Off Megan's wide-eyed reaction, you blink. Too much? TITLE CARD: THE GAY BFF INT. CLUB NICK, trim and well-dressed, grinds sensually with your girlfriend on the dance floor. NARRATOR You know he's gay but... come on. Nick comes over and stares you up and down. GAY BFF (condescending) There's a lot of potential here. INT. CLOTHES STORE You're shopping with Nick and your GF. Nick forcibly gives you some clothes. You reluctantly go to try them on. NARRATOR He acts like he knows everything. Just because he's gay doesn't mean- You exit the changing room and catch yourself in the mirror. NARRATOR -hey, these pants actually look pretty good. INT. CLUB You and Nick are now wearing the SAME OUTFIT. He drags you onto the dance floor to dance with him and your girlfriend. NICK You look so good tonight! (to girlfriend) Doesn't he look good? NARRATOR (V.O.) Yeah, you like this guy. You dance like you never would around your guy friends. NARRATOR (V.O.) But not in a gay way. TITLE CARD: THE ONE YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON INT. YOUR APARTMENT A PARTY. You sip a beer and stare across the room at your girlfriend, smiling and talking to some friends. NARRATOR (V.O.) There's your girl. Your soulmate. The only woman you'll ever- Your girlfriend brings over her friend AMANDA. She's GORGEOUS and she's smiling at you. GIRLFRIEND Hey! Have you met Amanda? NARRATOR (V.O.) -uh, I, uh, I mean, uh, more words. Across the room, your girlfriend and Amanda talk. NARRATOR (V.O.) Why can't your girlfriend have uglier friends? CUT TO: Amanda is now a DIRTY BEARDED HOMELESS MAN. HOMELESS MAN So then she says, YOU'RE being a bitch! HOMELESS GUY makes sexy eyes at you. Huh? LATER, while you're cleaning up: YOUR GIRLFRIEND Do you have a crush on Amanda? NARRATOR (V.O.) OK. Think Kennedy. Clinton. That other, less popular Kennedy. Suddenly, you're at a PODIUM talking with a Boston accent. YOU I believe both my girlfriend AND her friend are equally hot... and there is nothing wrong with that! An imaginary crowd cheers. The first notes of "Hail to The-" YOU Um. She's. Uh. Objectively? Or uh? She's attractive. She's attractive? Your girlfriend stares at you. YOU In a slutty way! Not in a good slutty way! I love you? An O.S. door SLAMS. You yell after her: YOU I wish you were friends with more homeless people! TITLE CARD: THE GUY FRIEND EXT. PARK A game of touch football amongst friends. NARRATOR (V.O.) According to her, they've been "BFFs forevsies". TREVOR, handsome, play tackles your girlfriend. They laugh. NARRATOR (V.O.) The inside jokes don't help. They harmonize-sing: "Rhinoceros faaaaarts!", pretend to jerk each other off, then laugh. You watch, lost. INT. YOUR APARTMENT Trevor and your girlfriend watch football while you, dressed in a suit like John Nash, scribble on their respective Facebook pages, circling questionable comments between them. NARRATOR (V.O.) This whole "friendship" thing drives you crazy. You're feel like the guy from "A Beautiful Mind". EXT. STREET - EVENING The three of you walk together. Your girlfriend holds your hand and kisses you in front of an unfazed Trevor. NARRATOR (V.O.) Maybe this is OK. There are different types of love, right? Trevor gets ready to leave. Your GF gives him a BIG HUG. NARRATOR (V.O.) Sure, they're friends, but they'll never have the raw, physical attraction that you two- The hug's still going. Trevor and your girlfriend both SMILE WARMLY. You appear between them, pushing them apart. NARRATOR (V.O.) Oookay, that's enough. TITLE CARD: THE ATTENTION HOG OLIVIA, cute and a bit much. NARRATOR (V.O.) She'll do anything for attention. Your girlfriend and a group of girls, walking on the sidewalk. Olivia heaves herself into a pile of garbage. OLIVIA I WONDER IF THERE ARE NEEDLES IN HERE!!!!! NARRATOR (V.O.) You think she enjoys break-ups more than actual relationships. You and your GF watch as Olivia CRIES in various locations: OLIVIA Mark broke up with me! OLIVIA Peter didn't look at me! OLIVIA Obama won't write back to me! You and your girlfriend smile, hiding concern. OLIVIA I'll never be as happy as YOU GUYS! NARRATOR (V.O.) She has a compulsive need to share her every thought and emotion. Olivia returns from the bathroom. OLIVIA O-M-G, I just took the most humongoid crap! A thought hits you. NARRATOR (V.O.) It's possible you can use this. You talk to Olivia in a cafe: YOU (faux disbelief) What?! What do you mean you don't have a Twitter? You take her phone and start setting it up for her. Later, you happily kiss your girlfriend in peace. We pan over to Olivia, back in the garbage pile, on her phone: OLIVIA GUYS! I got five favorites on my garbage needles Tweet! TITLE CARD: YOU EXT. PARK - SUNSET Everyone, girls and guys, is hanging out and having fun. Megan makes a friend with a NEW GIRL. Amanda laughs at Olivia. Mike play tackles Trevor. They giggle hysterically. NARRATOR (V.O.) You love your girlfriend. Not just because she's smart, and funny, and knows what a beaglepuss is, but because she's your friend. You observe, smugly, from a picnic blanket, then look longingly at your girlfriend who lays next to you. NARRATOR (V.O.) And like any good friend, you'd do anything for her. Including putting up with all her other friends. (beat) After all, she puts up with yours. CHAZ, your buddy, casually approaches with a warm smile: CHAZ Hey, man, can you give me a ride home? I just shit my pants. END.